Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
