listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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