You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Randomize
