Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
