Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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