i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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