The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just gift wrapped bread.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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