I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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