she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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