I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
