Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize