On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
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