I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Man, jail baloney is awful.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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