I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
