New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
