Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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