my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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