Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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