dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
