Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
