omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Randomize
