Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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