my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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