Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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