I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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