Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize