The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
