I think I won the penis lottery.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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