I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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