Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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