theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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