I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
