he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
