He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you had me at cake vodka
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
