batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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