You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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