did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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