Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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