I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
