dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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