On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize