who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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