I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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