There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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