he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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