I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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