Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
