you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
