I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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