I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i will never coherently bang her
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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