but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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