remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
