found the other keg... it's in the tree
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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