Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize