your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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