I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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