don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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