Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize