so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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