I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
