Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
