if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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