if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
