I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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