Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
