i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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