My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I am available for nakedness
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
